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Sylvanian Families.... The Rodents That Had To Go!

 

Sylvanian Families were a huge part of play in many households throughout the country in the 90s and loved by kids everywhere. They were little cute toys, little mice, little rabbits and even little pigs.... ahhh they were cuties! But don’t be fooled by these little figures, they were evil and they were planning world domination with a super race of mixed animals! Again, we bring you exclusive access to the inside story! Because we're weird!

Here’s what really went on behind closed barn doors at the farmyard! The sheep had a plan to breed with the badgers, then when that little baby animal was born and grew up, they would breed the sheep/badger thing with the mice and than when they grew up, they would breed them with the pigs and finally create a super type of quick, woolly-haired, black and white, curly tailed, super being which could fit through keyholes and was sure to take over the globe!

When the Government got wind of this plan a mass hunt took place and after a battle bigger than WW2, which lasted over 3 years, the humans finally won! Followed by a feast like no other in local butchers! Sylvanian Families can be still bought in shops today but are all mean tested and fitted with ankle bracelets!

 

 

VeryHappypig wants to let you know that we're here for you! Always believe a pig, just not on Sundays or Tuesdays or Mondays or Wednesdays or Saturdays or Fridays or Thursdays, other than those days, we tell nothing but the truth!

 

 

Robbing Car Badges!? What The Hell Was That All About!

 

Remember back in the day when you would be sitting in class and the hardest of the hard, the lad that ate steel nails for breakfast and would always be late for class, would walk in, as scruffy as hell, holding the badge off a car which he decided to steal for no reason what’s so ever other than to get his popularity status up!

Seriously though, what the hell was that all about!? What did the gimps need the badges for!? And then you would get some geek in the class that wanted to act hard and be in the click and would go out and rob a badge off the teacher's car! Then, of course, the teacher would notice and when the fool wouldn’t own up, the whole class would get detention and extra homework! Then, the badge would be found and the wannabe popular geek would be given about 43 years detention and his parents would be informed! Now, not only would he get a hiding at break time for everyone getting detention but when he got home, he would more that likely receive another hiding from his parents for robbing! See, crime just doesn’t pay! I was that geek.... and it really didn’t work out great for me!

 

 

VeryHappyPig really did want to be popular but just couldn’t fit in with all those human kids! The called me terrible names like pinkie, piggy, and curly! I was scared for my life!

 

 

Barbie... The Truth Behind The Plastic Exterior!

 

If you had sister or even a brother that liked dolls, you know what a Barbie doll is.... Basically, it’s the perfect doll.... Long blonde hair, perfect figure, great boobies, and she had every career under the sun including being a doctor, dentist, space astronaut.... but, believe it or not, the creator of Barbie actually made her as a lady of the night and that’s a true fact! Behind that perfect plastic exterior hides a dark, dark secret!

And of course for your pleasure, we bought the rights to the story for €54 billion! Here is how the story goes, Barbie was a dream catch, a successful woman with every potential. But then, she met up with a midnight biker named Ken and things went downhill from there! Ken was also a dream catch, a ladies man but with a very angry streak.... because he was genderless! Which suited Barbie as she had the same problem! They got wed and all was going perfect until a younger, also genderless, bitch came along called “Sindy” and Ken fell for the younger version! Barbie wasn’t just going to stand by and watch this, so a bitch fight ensued, which lasted 34 days and 20 nights! In the end, Ken made up his mind and headed off with the younger women! Barbie is still on the scene but people say she has aged something terrible from the whole affair! And other reports even say she went back to being a Lady of the Night!

 

 

VeryHappyPig is shocked by this story! Shocked! See ladies, never trust a man, always date a Pig, they're loyal and when the die they taste great!

 

 

Crab Fishing! The Holiday Favourite!

 

Now we all know, if you want to go crab fishing these days, you can just go down to your local nightclub. But crab fishing was a holiday experience in the years past and you wouldn’t have to go to your local GP to get a cream for it afterwards! When VHP was a lad, he used to go around the coasts and piers of West Ireland and catch the little hard-shelled sea freaks! Now, maybe not everyone did this but there’s time yet and I would urge everyone to try it before your days are numbered!

The concept was simple, get a piece of fishing line with a hook at the end of it, then go to the rocks by the shore and get one of the weird sea-shells that’s stuck to a rock and pull it off! Here's the fun part, scoop the goooie inside out of the sea-shell and attach it onto the hook! Then walk up to the edge of the pier and drop the line and sea shell gut into the water, In about 20 seconds pull the line up and hey presto, we have a crab. Now for the important part, when you have the crab out of the water run like the hammers of hell because all that little freak wants to do is nip you with its claw! Never trust anything that can’t walk in a straight line! Wonder if a crab is drunk, does it walk straight!

 

 

VeryHappyPig is going to get a crab drunk and not get crabs when he is drunk! I'll have to remember which one is which!

 

 

Line-Dancing.... Very Weird Or Just Plain Wrong?!

 

Back when the country was a nice happy rock, there was a weird dance craze that blasted into Ireland.... and that was the very pornographic, tight-jean wearing, weird shirt, cowboy hat on, freaky dance called line-dancing! God, it was awful.... but some people did make a whole lot of money out of teaching others how to dance like rednecks, so fair play!!

The concept was simple, everyone stand in a line while wearing a pair of tight jeans, cowboy shirt, a pair of cowboy boots with a 10 gallon hat on.... Put your hands on your hips and move your waist in and out! Basically, it was a type of dancing which reminded you of the unpopular lad in the pub showing off the moves he reckons he used while on a date with a hot girl, when clearly, by the head on him, he never got a sniff of it!! Oh and by the way, don't forget when you are doing the dance, you are supposed to shout 'YEEEE HAAAA' as loud as possible, like it is a weird sexual relief from this terrible dance thing!

Thank God someone put a stop to the line-dancing yolk!!

 

 

VeryHappyPig was World Line-Dancing Champion 1987 to 1995 but was disqualified when a loop-hole in the line-dancing laws made it impossible for pigs to be Line Dancing Champions! I cried for two years! God I miss the Yeeee Haaa days !!

 

 

Kiss Chasing.... The Hard Facts!

 

Ah yes, we all probably experienced our first kiss during this school yard game! The concept of the game was fairly simple, chase the best looking girl in the yard and give her a sloppy kiss and you win the game! Imagine playing that now in a nightclub.... Swear I’m going to try it!!

But now, this game might have seemed like good fun at the time but there was a dark fact lurking around with this game! Piggy fact (that we made up): 101% of all head lice was passed on by this game! Think about it.... it was the only chance the scruffy kids got to kiss the little princess, and help with the spreading of the 'itch'! Now obviously not the 'itch' us adults get, but a form of it I'd say!

Also, did you know that kiss chasing was first played in school yards in 4985BC.... oh and that’s another piggy fact that was just made up in my bacon brain!!

 

 

VeryHappyPig is always here to provide you with the most useless and sometimes untrue information possible, also known as Piggy Facts! Oh and did I mention I’m a very Ham-dsome Piggy!

 

 

The Dreaded Nettle Sting! Everyone Hates These Little Gimps!!

 

Remember running around in your little shorts, playing some sort of chasing game, and running by a plot of green and suddenly it strikes! A pain like a thousand needles under your nails which stops you in your tracks and you hit the ground like a pig falling out of a plane at 1000ft! Braving the tears away, you would tell your friends you have to go home and you would spend the next 2 hours roaring into your pillow!

Then this weird red rash with white spots would appear and would itch like a b*tch for hours on end! Imagine being thrown into a field of nasty nettles while naked! Jaysus, even thinking about it makes your skin crawl!

Like, what were they even made for, what god damn purpose do they serve? None, if you ask me, they just a ridiculous invention... like rashers and sausages! I think we should get all nettles and burn them at the stake! I personally think nettles are Gobshi*es! And if any nettle out there wants a scrap, the Pig is willing and able to slap the sh*t out of them useless creations!!

 

 

VeryHappyPig got one to many nettle stings and cried for too many hours to ever like these horrid awful creations!

I'm crying right now even thinking about ever being friends with nettles!!

 

 

“Bambi” The Real Story.... What Happened When He Grew Up!!

 

Bambi is a 1942 animated feature produced by Walt Disney and originally released to theatres by RKO Radio Pictures on August 13, 1942. The fifth animated feature in the Disney animated features canon, the film is based on the 1923 book Bambi, A Life in the Woods by Austrian author Felix Salten..

Now, this was a real tear-jerker of a story when little Bambi's mother got shot and he was left to fend for himself! But all was not lost, Bambi actually met back up with her mother 12 years later!

And here at veryhappypig, we have the real inside story for you. Now, you might have thought Bambi stayed a baby deer forever but that wasn’t the case, due to genetics Bambi grew up and when Disney had no place for an older deer, they decided to sell him to the circus. After 3 years on the circus scene ,Bambi became a famous deer stud and fathered 37 foals of his own, all named “Bambi” and sold to rich Japanese business men for fur!

Bambi met his demise 12 years after becoming a star on TV, by believe it or not, the same hunter who took down his mother! But all is not lost, Bambi met back up with his mother at the pearly gates and the hunter had a nice veal steak and his wife got a beautiful fur jacket! See, things do turn out for the best sometimes..

 

 

VeryHappyPig paid €54billion for this story, just to keep you informed of what really goes on behind the scenes! See, everything isn't always well in Paradise!

VeryHappyPig is here for you though!!

 

 

If You Hear The Cutlery Drawer Rumbling... Go Running!

 

Now this was a favourite for all loving mothers as a form of mental and physical torture! If you were being bold or gave cheek or even dared to talk back to your mother, you would want to go running if you heard the cutlery drawer opening and the dreaded “WOODEN SPOON” would come out. Holy Sh*t when you hear that being taken out of the drawer start running and don’t stop because trust me when you get a belt of one of these solid unforgiving spoons, it hurts like hell!

Now if you escape the clatter of the spoon, don’t ever think you got away with it just because your Mom is after calming down. Mothers don’t forget, they're like elephants, they will get you the next time and harder than the original strike of the wooden spoon because they will remember you getting away with it and they will want you to remember this time!

Now a good slap of a wooden spoon should leave a mark for about a week and the preferred choice of the strike would be the butt cheek, so every time you sit down you will remember what you did!

 

 

VeryHappyPig says don’t mothers have very weird minds, like, doesn't this class as child abuse! If I wasn’t 78-years-old, I'd ring Child-line.... come to think of I'm going to do it! Oh crap, I hear the drawer rumbling.... I'm going running and quick, who knows when I'll be back!

 

 

Ah Yes, The Old Can On The Back Tyre Of The Bike Trick!

 

Before adult and kids alike were in a virtual world with PS3’s and Wii’s and every other type of electronic gadget that’s keeping the world indoors, there was a small but ground-breaking invention called the bicycle. It was basically a steel frame, 2 big wheels and a chain, some of you might even remember them!

Now there was a trick you could do with the bike, put an empty can on the back wheel and when you cycled, the bike would sound like a Motorbike! Oh yes, she was the Poodles Privates when you were rolling down the road with the can-trick in place!

Now, there was a few slight problems..... it would be very hard to push the pedals down as the can was causing so much friction and sometimes the chain would break..... and if you were a boy, there’s only one thing that happens when the chain breaks! Your little man and bag of sweets, get a awful craic off the cross bar. I’m sure it would be painful for girls as well but seriously girls, there is no pain like a bang straight into the family jewels. Your voice would be high pitched for about 3 months after and the memories would scare you for a lifetime!!

 

 

VeryHappyPig has terrible memories of the 1987 massacre, when I sounded like a tin wistle for months after it!

 

 

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