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Calpol, The Answer To All Life's Problems!

 

Nowadays when your kid burps or farts, he or she is brought to the doctor and giving a full medical! But not when the Pig was growing up, there was an answer to all life's little bumps, dings, cough's, colds, flu, fevers, broken bones, burns, cuts, concussions, lose of limbs, tooth lose, mega sunburn, gum disease, bird flu and even mad cow disease.... and that God-like cure was a spoonful of Calpol.

Let's say you were running home and got into a tiff with a pit-bull terrier and while running, you fell and got impaled on a spiked fence that was covered in barb wire and also had a killer flu at the time! You would go home and tell your loving mother what happened and a big spoon of the purple stuff would come into play!

Like seriously, it never eased any pain, it just tasted good..... I reckon it was just a melted down sweet, and the taste would take your mind off the excruciating pain for about 30seconds! Still though, there wasn't a medicine cabinet in Ireland without a bottle of the life-saver in it!

 

 

VeryHappyPig's mother used to try give my brothers and sisters Calpol when they would come back packed from the slaughter house!!

 

 

The Adventures of Tintin, VHP Has The Inside Story And It Will Shock You!!

 

TinTin was a popular comic book and TV/Series character which, beleive it or not, first made its appearance in a Belgian newspaper Le Vingtième Siècle on 10 January 1929. Now, looking at the Boy(TinTin) and Dog(Snowey) adventures, everything seemed ok, but all was not well behind the scenes!

But don’t worry, we bought the exclusive story for a lot of loot, and we're going to share it directly with you!!

Everything was going well with TinTin, the young Belgian reporter and his dog Snowey, until the incident in 1956 which changed everything for the lad. TinTin came across grumpy Captain Haddock and thought he was a bit of a father figure to him..... until it turned out the Captain had a weird love obsession with small white fox terriers. When TinTin found out what was really going on behind his back, a fist fight erupted! The good old-fashioned fist fight lasted 8 days and 8 nights, until, finally, the two men called a truce!

Tintin was never the same after the falling out and blamed the whole incident on Captain Haddock’s new “Best Friend Snowey”! In the summer of 1970, TinTin took Snowey to the local vet and had him put down, he then got him stuffed and posted him, bit by bit, to the weirdo Captain Haddock.

Tintin was found dead in his Hollywood Hills mansion in 1983, at the ripe age of 384 years old, he died of natural causes but some say it was a broken heart that killed him!

Captain Haddock put all the posted parts of Snowey back together and, with the help of cell stem research, he had Snowey cloned and later married the white fox terrier. Reports say they're doing well together but are finding it hard to start a family!

 

 

We here at VeryHappyPig bring you these stories just to show you things aren’t always as they seem! You never know what’s going on behind closed doors!

 

 

The Dreaded Spit Ball!

 

Remember sitting in class and this chewed up smelly piece of wet, white paper would hit you a tremendous speed and stick to any object of clothing you were wearing or even worse, it would make direct contact with skin and leave a slimy residue of smelly spit when removed! Jaysus, they were terrible and I used to get at least 20/50 per class with a direct skin contact!

The concept was simple, get a straw and a piece of paper, rip a small chunk of paper off and chew until very, very moist! Place the straw up to your mouth, then place the ball at the end of the straw, that’s in your mouth and give the spit ball a quick blow out the straw. Now make sure you don't have too much saliva in your mouth because it will drip out of the end of the straw and destroy anything underneath it!

The direction of the ball is deadly accurate and will travel at about the same speed as Heeley’s comet! The smellier your breath, the more of a memory it will leave!

 

 

VeryHappyPig used to eat spit balls, yes I was a freak!

 

 

The Brady Bunch! Incest At It's Best!

 

Originally blasting on to our screen on September 26 1969, this was a weird middle-upper class family from the USA, the husband and father, Mike Brady had 3 son’s and the wife and mother, Carol Martin had 3 daughters but she had a body of a supermodel! They also had a live in housekeeper/home-wrecker Alice! The original show stopped after 5 seasons, on March 8th 1974 after a dark secret that VeryHappyPig has exclusive access to! And here is how it goes!

Mike was caught having a steamy affair with Alice. Carol was still seeing her original husband when the 3girls went to see their real dad! Greg(Son 1) was caught peeping through the keyhole at Jan(Daughter 2)! Bobby (Son 3) got a sex change and is now Barbara! Marcia(Daughter 1) went on the game after her store job fell through! Peter(Son 2) moved to Amsterdam after meeting some guys from college and finally Cindy(Daughter 3) also moved to Amsterdam after marring Peter(son 2) at a drive through wedding in Vegas..

 

 

Well I suppose nobodys family is perfect but this one was just fu*ked up!

VeryHappyPig Had to give €200billion for this exclusive story!

 

 

The Lava Lamp.... Oh So Cool (or should that be hot!)

 

The ultimate accessory for super cool, hippie people from the late 60's, right through to the 90's..... The hypnotic and weirdly entertaining - Lava Lamp.

Basically, it's a glass bottle containing water and wax. When the lamp is plugged in, the liquids heat up and there is a slow rise and fall of randomly-shaped blobs of wax.

The lamps are available with a variety of styles and colors of wax and liquid..... which make for some interesting party games if your drunk enough!

VeryHappyPig never quite understood the attraction of Lava Lamps even though he had 107 of them at one stage! But he was a stoner at the time!

 

 

 

 

The Chinese Burn.... We All Got And Gave One!

 

Now here’s another old school yard favourite... the old Chinese burn.

Now not as painful as the super wedgies or the atom nipple twister but she was also a sore one. It didn't make you go into the limp paralysed state so you could defend yourself via head butts or fist throwing!

The concept, again, was simple but effective... clasp your two hands in a open-fist like clench, place them both on a un-sleeved arm, recommended around 1.5inches apart! Clench each hand tight and turn like a mad man in opposite directions. A nice distinguished bruise should appear and a good burn should have about 2/3 weeks of a bruise burn!

Now if you happened to be in a wedgie while getting a Atom nipple twist with a Chinese burn was being done at the same time, move to Florida, wait for the next shuttle launch and make peace with life... on the moon. You are not, and most likely never will be, liked... so get out now!

 

 

Very Happy Pig was the king of the Chinese burn! The six week special!

 

 

The Nipple Twister A Pain Near To The Wedgie!

 

So there you are standing in the yard enjoying some soggie sambos and some as*hole gets you with a "Atom Nipple Twister" or "Nipple Twist" or a "Nipple Bruiser"... what ever the hell you want to call it!

Like it's older sister, the wedgie, this move also makes the body become paralysed and limp!

Now if you happened to be in a wedgie and a nipple twister at the same time, you might want to consider moving school or country because you generally are not liked!

The concept is simple with the nipple twister, walk up to the unsuspecting party with your fingers already in the pinch position, grab around the general breast area and pinch like the hammers of hell!

Everybody has received one of these and everyone had that little annoying bruise that goes with it!

But again the smell of revenge is so so sweet!

 

 

 

 

The Worst Pain Known To Man.....

 

Now here is a school yard favourite.. But, by jaysus, if you're on the receiving end of a wedgie, it's no joke. The concept is easy, you see who you want to humiliate, walk up behind him or her, grab the back of their undergarmets and reach for the fecking sky!

Now there is a rule.... if the person is wearing silkie boxer shorts.. LET GO.. you will do serious, serious damage, that could involve crushing of bits or 1st degree burns... not good!

The person who is getting the wedgie goes into a paralysed state and squeals like a pig for as long as your arm can hold the underwear up for!

The only thing about a wedgie is that revenge is sweet and you will get one back if you're the director of the original wedgie!

Very Happy Pig reckons a 2/3 minute wedgie is sufficent and should cause a nice rip in the underwear but will have memories that will last for ever!

 

 

 

 

Weird Naked Long-Haired Freaks!

 

Now if you were walking down the road, minding your own business and came across a small, long pink-haired, brown glass-eyed, naked, genderless freak, you would have to call the local Garda Station and get this lad commited or put down or something!

But make it into a doll and we'll buy it by the millions and millions.... the dolls were of course, the genderless "Troll Dolls"!

Released in 1959 and called the "Dammit Dolls", these little freaks were a favourite for kids around the world for 50 years.

Personally, I reckon they come alive when we go asleep and rob our odd socks.... and you know I'm always right!

Very Happy Pig has a serious Troll Collection!!

 

 

 

 

The Carnival Gold Fish! The Flusher!!

 

The old Goldfish in a bag, also known as "The Flusher" because about 99% of them were doing the backstroke by the time you got home from the Carnival/Fun Fair!

The concept was easy, throw a dart or shoot an arrow and win a goldfish! Just a Goldfish in a plastic bag with a drop of water! No bowl, no food. Just a fish with not enough meat on him to even make one fish finger..

But when you think about it really, what the hell use is a goldfish, it just swims around in it's own sh*t all day! Can someone give me one use for a Goldfish? I dont think so!!

Very Happy Pigs best friend is a goldfish! I can't wait to flush him and bring some enjoyment to my dark lonley life!

 

 

 

 

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