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This Is How People Get Rich


Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?





Classic "Little Johnny"


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"



You just can't beat this boy!



What A Mistake To Make!


The poor guy walks up to the rich guy's house. He's down on his luck and needs some money. He rings the doorbell. "Hi there, I'm down on my luck, need some money, and I was wondering if you have any work I could do for you?" The rich Guy decides to give him a break, and says: "Sure, my porch needs painting. I'll pay you 50 dollars to do it for me." "Sure thing, Mister, I'll get started right away!" Time passes, until... "Hey Mister, I'm all done painting!" "Well, here's your 50 dollars" "Thanks, and by the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."






Out of the Mouths of Babes


A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Sarah replied, 'They will in a minute'





15 Of The Best Homer Simpson Quotes


Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.

Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?

I hope I didn’t brain my damage.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.



What a legend!!



Smart Blonde Joke!


A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"



Finally... a smart blonde joke.



Funny Insults


I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.



VeryHappyPig advises care when using any of these insults.... make sure the other person isn't bigger than you!!



Bathroom Graffiti!


Some of the most inspirational and funny graffiti ever seen in bathrooms:

Sign above urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal.
Scrawled underneath:
It makes them soggy and hard to light.

“No matter how good he looks,
some other girl is sick and tired of putting up with his crap.”

“Bad spellers untie!!!”

“Humpty Dumpty was pushed, man!”

“Always remember: Beauty is only a light switch away.”

(Under a sign that said: “Employees Must Wash Hands”)I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

Sign posted in a thousand bathrooms:
We aim to please! You aim too! Please!

Sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there’s no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

While I wait for the perfect woman to come along,
I’m having a lot of fun with the imperfect ones!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck !

Deja Moo : The feeling you’ve heard this bull before !

God must love stupid people…He made so many !

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Never put off to tomorrow
what you can avoid altogether

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today

If you’re not confused, you don’t have all the facts

Wet paint! (This is not an instruction!)

I like failure because it’s so easy to achieve!

Keep breathing. You never know when life just might be worth living again.

If you can keep your head when everyone else is loosing theirs, maybe you haven’t understood the situation.



VeryHappyPig thinks some people spend way too much time in the toilet!



Drive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures


A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

Male Procedure:
Drive up to the cash machine.
Put down your car window.
Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Put window up.
Drive off.

Female Procedure:
Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
Tell person on mobile you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card.
Re-insert card the right way.
Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
Enter PIN.
Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash and receipt
Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
Re-check makeup.
Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Retrieve card.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Redial person on mobile phone.
Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
Release Parking Brake.



VeryHappyPig is very glad to be male!!



Actual Classified Ads


Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.



VeryHappyPig says jaysus, some people really don't read what they write.... like me!!



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